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The Absolutely Unofficial Angry Hillary Rodham Clinton Playlist

“Sophistafunk, aristocats
Distinguished dogs, clean up your acts
Pull up your pants, ladies and gents
Please, act like you got some sense”*

Don’t stop here if you’re looking for feel-good inspiration. Only one uplifting anthem to be heard today**. I’m not posting about being stronger and braver. Being confident, happy, outstanding fighters with full hearts and the eyes of tigers, together.

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Don’t worry HRC, we got you. (photo by Keith Kissel***)

I don’t want to roar or rise so much as smash.

And try to convey through song the utter stupidity, venality and ridiculousness of the past 12+ months. Like Luther to Barack, I am here to translate Hillary Rodham’s Clinton’s anger. She’s held her tongue long enough. Her reserves of superhuman patience must be wearing thin. The insults, dismissals, muckraking and lies, lies, lies. It’s time for release. Time to ask Trump, the GOP and all of its supporters: What. The. Fuck?

I have prepared well because hey! HRC would expect that.

I searched, I googled, I listened to a lot of Metallica and Nina Simone. And most importantly, I called my Mom – age 76, lifelong Democrat, family rebel and self-proclaimed bleeding heart liberal. For many years, she lived in small-town, conservative Texas so you can imagine how often she had to hide her true feelings when talk turned to politics. She also likes to play her music real loud and was once front-row with me at a Pretenders’ concert. Helpful. She chose Pink Floyd’s ‘Us and Them’ for this list and suggested some James Taylor and John Lennon for further listening. Then she told me a story about when she’d gone back to college (after having 4 kids), and a young girl, fresh out of high school, came in to class all excited, carrying a new album. She showed it to my mom and said, “Doesn’t he look like Jesus?” The singer on the album cover was Cat Stevens.

Well, it was a Catholic university, a long time ago. But I digress.

Funny thing – as I found out, most angry women songs are about lovers and being scorned, betrayed, spurned, cheated, done wrong.

But what if you’re just tired of dealing with fucking idiots? Under-qualified, over-compensated, hypocritical, heartless bullshit artists who mansplain their way through life. Where’s that playlist?

Here it is.

*Words by Andre 3000 from OutKast’s ‘Behold A Lady’.

**That would be Monica’s ‘Still Standing’ (guest rap by Ludacris).

***Hillary Clinton photo licensed via Creative Commons & Keith Kissel. Find him at: https://www.flickr.com/photos/kakissel/

Election iPods

The Whitest Shade of Pale. Ever.

In the spirit of factcheck.org and all of the other researchers who’ve worked so hard debunking the whooping great lies swirling around this election, therockmom has taken on the task of finding a picture of Mitt Romney actually listening to music.

Because it’s important.

We’ve heard about Romney’s iPod and the jokes comparing his musical likes to Paul Ryan’s. We’ve heard about Romney’s  taste for Kid Rock and The Killers – lead singer Brandon Flowers is a Mormon btw – and his preference for country. Mainstream country that is. We’ve heard that his campaign staff listed his musical tastes on Spotify (which I’ve just found out you cannot get in Hong Kong!) to try to keep their boss somewhat hip to social media. But you know if you search Google images for ‘Romney wearing earbuds’ or ‘Romney iPod’ or even ‘Romney music’, what do you get? Nothing.

Kind of like those oh-so-pesky details about his budget plans.

I’ve also discovered that out of Romney’s entire Spotify playlist (19 songs total), there is only one song by a woman – “All American Girl” by Carrie Underwood. I hear that, if Romney gets elected, Ms Underwood will remake that song, to be titled, “All American Girl With Ten Kids and Cervical Cancer”.

Now if you do the same search for Obama, you get photos of the President wearing headphones, hanging with Stevie Wonder, chatting with Jay Z and Beyonce as well as some great photoshopped pics of Obama as a DJ, Obama holding a huge boom box and Obama as Elvis on a postage stamp.

This is my favorite of the photoshops.

So it’s easy to believe him when he says he listens to the Fugees, the Stones, the Boss and Nina Simone. On his 2008 playlist, three out of ten songs are by woman.

Every faux blue collar, white boy poser, frat jackass image in one simple photo – genius!

Paul Ryan, of course, is another story all together. The 2012 undisputed king of the backwards-baseball cap, cheesy weightlifting, earbud-wearing totally-doofus school of campaign propaganda. The best description I’ve read about Ryan and his earbuds came from a great blogger who posts under the banner: Bob Dylan Wrote Propaganda Songs. He called Ryan’s snaps, “quite possibly the douchiest image ever captured on film.”

I can’t say it any better. Honestly, anyone under 60 who doesn’t see right through Paul Ryan – right through this guy! – is completely deluded.

Now, put on your earbuds and go out and vote!

mitt-romney-wont-release-his-spotify-playlist

Gwyneth Does Glee aka Vote For Me

It’s Friday and it’s a beautiful day outside. I was contemplating a serious blog post this week about overcoming my parental fears as my oldest daughter asks for more freedom and responsibility (like her own gmail account & walking home from the bus stop by herself – cue anxiety attack!).

Instead I’ve made a ‘teen pop’ playlist for the kids – some Glee, a little Usher, Miley and Beyonce, Kelly Clarkson, Lady Gaga, Pink, Selena & Cee Lo plus Avril Lavigne rocking the SpongeBob theme – and decided I’m going to write about that rock wife turned rock mom – Gwyneth Paltrow.

You have a lot to answer for, madam.

I blame Glenn Close, and I’ll tell you why. Back in 1996, Close starred as Cruella De Ville in the live action version of 101 Dalmations. Maybe it was the opportunity to bring an animated icon to life. Maybe it was the clothes, the wig, the chance to lighten up. Maybe, most likely, it was the paycheck. Otherwise why would an Oscar-winning actress subject herself to unfunny cartoon violence and being covered in fake manure?

Fast forward a decade or so, and we’ve got Meryl Streep in not one but two chick flicks (Mamma Mia, Devil Wears Prada) and Helen Mirren (She’s the Queen!) brandishing a mounted machine gun and yukking it up with Bruce Willis in RED.

Producer: I got four words for you: Helen Mirren. Automatic Weapons.
Studio Exec: Loving it! What’s the body count?

Now comes Gwyneth Paltrow guest starring on Glee as an all-singing, all-dancing substitute teacher. I watched her version of Cee Lo’s pop gem, “Forget You” (clean version of course) on YouTube and I thought, this isn’t Shakespeare in Love, this is… this is Moonlight and Valentino with singing! Oh, the humanity!

Marlo Thomas, having been clobbered over the head with hooker heels, will now showcase the complete works of Beyonce.

When one student accuses her of being 40, Gwyneth sasses back, ‘Top 40 sweet cheeks.’ Sweet cheeks? Cringeworthy! Is she channeling Reno 911’s Deputy Trudy Wiegel?

Don’t be hating on me, bee-a-tch!

Did I mention that Gwyneth not only gets to sing and dance but that she’s also the Spanish substitute teacher, just so we can marvel at her bilingual abilities! It’s a real Viva Las Vegas kind of gig. You know the plot – Elvis is a race car driver but he sings and dances!

I'm putting this in here because I can!

But you see, I have this theory that Paltrow is the Barack Obama of female movie stars. She’s very intelligent, accomplished, works hard, has a cool spouse and two lovely children but is just not the warmest person in the room. I mean, honestly, if you were gonna hit Ladies’ Night with Gwyneth or Katherine Heigl who would you choose? The gal who traded shots with Seth Rogen or the Oscar-winning thespian who mastered a Home Counties accent for Emma?

And I haven’t even mentioned her blog! (It’s goop.com by the way.) When I say ‘almond butter on sprouted grain bread and beet and walnut dip’ as fun alternatives in the school lunchbox’, I AM NOT KIDDING!

Come to think of it, she is Rachel in Glee isn’t she? Even when she tries to lighten up, she’s earnest, diligent… faultless.

But back to “Forget You”. It’s such a fantastic song, it’s hard to mess it up. Gwyneth’s voice is fine, nothing breathtaking but competent. You do cringe when she gets to the mangled cries of ‘Why?’ in the bridge and I wished they’d finessed that a bit. But overall she’s capable, in a Student Council/Debate Captain/yes-we-mock-you-but-we-also-envy-your-Cooking&Travel-show kind of way.

I was absolutely, unequivocably, most definitely not born a Coal Miner's Daughter.

In her next film, Country Strong, she plays this year’s version of Bad Blake (aka Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart) – a country diva fresh out of rehab who hits the road with a younger stud as her opening act. Gwynnie, we will certainly be looking out for you come Oscar time because nothing says ‘Thank you, Academy’ like a strung-out, Southern-accented heroine with cleavage. No doubt your research consisted of watching the entire Jessica Lange collection. I think they should combine the two movies – Country Heart Strong – and send Gwyneth and Jeff on a backwoods road trip in search of a down home creamery butter that’s good for you.

No, make that a creamy almond butter…

Loving it!